don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
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Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.