*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
You Might Also Like
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”