If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
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Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”
But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out