Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS

[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*

[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care

I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat

Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*

Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone

Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve

Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them

Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store

Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.

Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.

Son: am I adopted?

Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.

Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.

My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth

A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe

[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.

If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies

A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you

Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.

Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.

My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much

Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag

[alien taking notes]

Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle

Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.

“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”

People that don’t know how cake
works.

I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing

They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.

*crashes vehicle*

“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”

*dies smiling*

I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.

I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.