Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.

Waiter: how did u find your meal

Me: *sweating* i…i looked down

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.

Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?

Bear knowledge

*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing

On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry

“As per my email…”

Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.

My boss told me to do something for myself today so I went home and installed a bidet.

warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?

me: yes, a final film

warden: ok, what do you want to watch

me: *smiles wide* the neverending story

[107 minutes later]

me: ok, that’s bullshit

HER: what are you doing?

ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?

Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.

It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.

My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.

How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding

waiter: have you decided

me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds

my date, who is a raccoon: perfect

I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container

If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.

[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing

When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.

One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.

It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.

I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.

you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”

Adam: are you naked?

Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig

WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale. 
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*

Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this

If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.

If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?