If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
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Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.