Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.

GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.

*12 hours later*

GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.

What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.

Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.

Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]

Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.

Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]

I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?

My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.

Little known fact:

Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.

It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it

The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.

Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*

i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside

Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.

Buck naked

Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?

Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.

Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.

Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.

I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.

Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!

Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*

Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity

Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here

Satan: wait no

*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF

All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside

Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.

I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.

Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.

Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.

Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.

Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.

Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.