If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
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I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
I can also cook 😂
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
You’re telling me a penguin actually wrote all these classics??
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Always…
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.