@CleverGirl85

If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college

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@druuuck

BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?

ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel

@Thynebear

[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in

@MichaelTrying

Before 40: stretch to prevent injury

After 40: injure self during stretching

@ThatMummyLife

[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]

Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.

Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.

[34 mins. later]

Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*

Doctor: every time.

@itcorru

eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft

@PoodleSnarf

My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex

Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?

@sarcasticmommy4

I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.

@Traceylei2

You know those orange cones they put on the road for you to knock over? Totally just beat my previous high score.

@irreligiousorg

You don’t see faith healers in hospitals for the same reason you don’t see psychics winning the lottery.