@CleverGirl85

If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college

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@OllyiConic

cop: got any drugs on you

me: nah

cop: how about in your car

me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately

@bepryor

This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy

@eff_yeah_steph

Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.

@goldengateblond

A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.

@GrantTanaka

Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH

@kingushbal

girls talk about makeup like it’s a damn weapon, “what eyeshadow is that?” oh its the Mac 35XZ10 pro supreme blend 10 points to Gryffindor

@girlontapas

If a movie was named “Home Alone” in 2020, it would be a fantasy film.

@AristotlesNZ

Those of you wondering what its like to be married: Just found out this morning I’m on day 3 of an argument I didn’t know I was having…

@DanMentos

“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.