@CleverGirl85

If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college

You Might Also Like

@ddsmidt

I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.

@ericsshadow

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.

@haleysfalling

bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore

@david8hughes

[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael

@TomHanksIsHot

If I ever kill someone I’m dumping the body in a cemetery. Police will find it and be like “oh yeah this makes sense.”

@Reverend_Scott

WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?

ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.