If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college

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BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?

ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel


[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in


Before 40: stretch to prevent injury

After 40: injure self during stretching


[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]

Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.

Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.

[34 mins. later]

Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*

Doctor: every time.


eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft


My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex

Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?


I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.


You know those orange cones they put on the road for you to knock over? Totally just beat my previous high score.


You don’t see faith healers in hospitals for the same reason you don’t see psychics winning the lottery.