I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
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DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
If I ever kill someone I’m dumping the body in a cemetery. Police will find it and be like “oh yeah this makes sense.”
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (