@CleverGirl85

If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college

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@AndLookPretty

Me filling my cart with Hershey’s with Almonds.

Friend: Don’t your kids have nut allergies?

Me: Yep.

@ObscureGent

I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.

@nachosarah

I wish parents would watch their kids better because my basement is filling up

@ch000ch

*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”

@karanbirtinna

Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.

Me: Thanks. I do yoga.

@ImaFlyontheWall

Receptionist: So you’re here about your carpal tunnel huh..fill out these 20 forms and press hard so the copies are clear

@hunz74

A scientist said that fish will evolve into “flish” & will be able to fly. Now I can’t stop thinking about “flarks, flhales & flea horses.”

@ParanormalQueer

If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.