If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
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Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.