Me filling my cart with Hershey’s with Almonds.
Friend: Don’t your kids have nut allergies?
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
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I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
I wish parents would watch their kids better because my basement is filling up
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Receptionist: So you’re here about your carpal tunnel huh..fill out these 20 forms and press hard so the copies are clear
A scientist said that fish will evolve into “flish” & will be able to fly. Now I can’t stop thinking about “flarks, flhales & flea horses.”
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.