If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
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FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Bruh
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.