If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
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[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?
Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?
Me: Probably not.
Friend: PROBABLY?
Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom