Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead

COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me

him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.

Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.

Romeo: *is added to DM room*

Juliet: *is taking a room break*

Romeo: *leaves room*

Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*

You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge

I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?

Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious

My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.

Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol

I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.

I bought it in 2007.

Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?

The Hobbit 4:

Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff

Bilbo puts on his ring

One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances

So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?

Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”

“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire

Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans

Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”

Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”

If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.

How To Avoid Dating

●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.

Got a new high score on my bathroom scale

I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane

Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is

I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?

I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.

Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy