If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
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Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
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Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
My dad teaching me to drive
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels