If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
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me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
I put my pants on like everyone else.
with hope they still fit.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
All the characters in the 2006 sci-fi comedy ‘Idiocracy’ wear Crocs because the costume designer thought they were futuristic and too ugly to ever become popular in real life
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.