If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
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I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Livid.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit