If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
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I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
For anyone who needs this today
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”