If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
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7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
incredible text to wake up to
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden