If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
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“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Them: why are you wearing fashion magazines?
Me: they’re articles of clothing
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
I was told that I look like the kind of person that loves playing tetris and I just don’t know how to take that
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???