My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
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when nothing goes right… go left
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
That 👊
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.