@KenJennings

If my kid vanished on a plane like in that Jodie Foster movie I’d spend maybe 2-3 hrs enjoying the legroom & quiet before I started looking.

You Might Also Like

@Love_bug1016

Me: I hate Asian stereotypes

Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities

@shkeeber

You never get a second chance to make a first impression.

Unless you work in the alzheimer’s wing of a nursing home, then you get lots.

@ThugRaccoons

[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]

Kids: Dad, what IS this place?

Me: I have absolutely no idea

@hero_ofthenight

If I worked at Starbucks I’d pull a Napoleon Dynamite every time.

“I see you’re drinking 2%, is that because you think you’re fat?”

@iAmDelFreaky

I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.

@djdarrellripley

Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..

Her: Yes I did.

Me: No you didn’t.

Her: Yes I did.

Me: Oh you’re good!

@jnrbtsn

He said he liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on his window, it’s all screaming and shit.

@liv_thatsme

Me *gets interrupted mid-sentence*

“Oh, hey sorry; finish your story.”

Me *employing my usual level of maturity*: No I don’t want to now.

@murrman5

[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent