If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
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2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
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2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa
#DadJoke
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ