Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all

What color is math?

Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.

Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.

Me: *getting struck by lightning*

Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?

5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?

Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born

5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool

I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.

Staying with my parents, pt. 17:

Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.

Mom: …

Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?

Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.

Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension

Where’s Waldo?

*Leans in*

Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither

Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have

If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.

I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.

[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER

me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite

gf: how did you get bitten by a tree

My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.

Hobbies Include:

Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.

Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.

drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is

A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit

Two
Three
Four
Tell the people what she wore…

Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…

If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing

rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days

barista: oh no

I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.

7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.

I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them

“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash

The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini