If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
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“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.