If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
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Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast
I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
My next door neighbor just stole my gate and I want to confront him about it…
But I’m worried he might take a fence.
#Jokes
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*