If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
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Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
*gets down on one knee*
Me: Please take my kids for a little bit
School: lol snow