If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
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God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼♀️
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.