If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
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You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Pass gas, not judgment.
bros in the example zone 😭
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Ugh
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job