If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
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Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)
Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:
Stamps: Lickie Stickies
Defibrillators: Hearty Starty
Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby
Lamp: Lighty Brighty
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.