If my kids invented a drink.
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It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
My Sentiments Exactly
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
I already tried new things thanks.
nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
How software testing works
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.