If my kids invented a drink.
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Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Me at my 225th rodeo:
“What the hell is going on?”
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?
— my kid on a Saturday