If my kids invented a drink.
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my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!