If my kids invented a drink.
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I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.
“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Me as a therapist: omg same
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
when mom throws a party…
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.