Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how many bears make up a bear minimum

Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁

the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes

Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity

I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.

Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn

As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack

The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.

Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.

Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.

wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.

I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.

[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]

Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.

Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.

Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm

we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.

A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!

I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.

Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running

Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?

How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.

[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls

[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.

Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!

hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants

CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.

My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.

son: *holding acorn* what’s this?

me: a tree

son: really?

me: in a nutshell, yeah

BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.

BEAST: What do you mean?

LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?

[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!

I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.

My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.