If my kids invented a drink.
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Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo
ME: *way too loud* A granaconda
ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.