If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
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Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
[shakes fist at other fist]