Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.

friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?

wife: we think it’s-

me: snakes. we think it’s snakes

She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.

People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:

“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“

Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.

if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s

I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.

Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.

Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”

I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”

Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.

I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.

The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year

The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.

Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.

me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now

You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*

*dressed a toddler

Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”

Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.

I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins

When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship

Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….

So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!

My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.

Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?

Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?

An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.

Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.

the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account