Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Should have let Marvel produce 2020.

If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.

I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.

Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread

Seal:

me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol

[later]

Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before

Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?

Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.

I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”

Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up

Son: I want to be a dinosaur

Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.

Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president

Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.

Me too

Women’s Magazines:

Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.

HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss

Me: “ok”

[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.

*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter

me: do you have spaghetti?

mcdonalds cashier: …no

me: would you like some?

facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom

Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.

[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us

Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.

Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.

Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.

doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom

I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.

The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.

It’s not you, it’s me.

-Twins looking through old photographs.

Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness

Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA