Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles

me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink

judge: no

*handshake*

wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life

[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”

bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL

me: [exists]

bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY

ME: I’ll have the steak

WAITER: with pleasure

ME: um no, with steak sauce

The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.

[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good

CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT

My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch

I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?

*nose hairs growing out of control

*buys tiny scissors

*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs

And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.

When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.

Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.

Did you even think about that??

Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.

Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.

Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*

I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.

Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people

Nonwriters: How do you write a book?

Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again

Nonwriters: Then you’re done?

Writers: Then you start the next paragraph

I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.

Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?

ME: i honestly only had one drink

WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said

ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real

Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.

Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?

My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.

Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.

Do not worry.

I will take your secrets to my grave.

But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.

Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.

Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?

I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal

Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.