If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
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If you had more money you’d be happier.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
this is how the alphabet looks from above
– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.
To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
