If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
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Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.