If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
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11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.
For example:
– Jill ate her friend’s sandwich.
– Jill ate her friend’s colon.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
May have had one breakfast too many
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.