If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
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DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
could’ve been anyone
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.
A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.