If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
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My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Happy Friday the 13th! Slay the holidays 🛷🎄
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood