If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
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Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
That’s classic.
shampoo implies shampee
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Only short people can save us
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.