If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
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the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.
Friend: Oh, OCD?
Me: Children.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.