If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
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[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
I bet
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
I think the cat got the dog high.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.