If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party

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Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.

– Skywalker family reunion


I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.


“Hey, man, just called to see when you’re going to commercial. Now? Ok, us too.” -Radio Stations


Look, all I’m saying is, you never see Nikki Manaj and E.T. in the same place at the same time.


Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.


Bae: come over
Me: can we ever have normal conversations
Bae: my parents aren’t home
Me: why can’t you just ask how good my day was for once



Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe

USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks