@LanieLalaBugs

If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party

You Might Also Like

@Mardigroan

Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.

– Skywalker family reunion

@SondraDeeMe

I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.

@rolldiggity

“Hey, man, just called to see when you’re going to commercial. Now? Ok, us too.” -Radio Stations

@SteveSackington

Look, all I’m saying is, you never see Nikki Manaj and E.T. in the same place at the same time.

@Viv_Ascious

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.

@phaggots

Bae: come over
Me: can we ever have normal conversations
Bae: my parents aren’t home
Me: why can’t you just ask how good my day was for once

@sofarrsogud

SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH

Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe

USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks