Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.
– Skywalker family reunion
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
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The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
“Hey, man, just called to see when you’re going to commercial. Now? Ok, us too.” -Radio Stations
Look, all I’m saying is, you never see Nikki Manaj and E.T. in the same place at the same time.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Ouija board……”your going to die!”
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
Bae: come over
Me: can we ever have normal conversations
Bae: my parents aren’t home
Me: why can’t you just ask how good my day was for once
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks