If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
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*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Home is where your toilet is.
jesus, what did this guy do
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My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
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This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.