Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀

How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?

*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE

Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]

Me: Don’t move!

Toddler: [sits on spill]

Help me practice my knife throwing skills.

You catch.

Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”

*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*

Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch

The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.

Justify your alcoholism by having children.

My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.

Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.

Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”

But you?

You can call me tonight.

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

[getting murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

Body by cheese-puffs.

Me: I don’t feel well

Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?

Me: No

Mom: …

Me: …

Mom: …

Me: *throws up plastic banana*

One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.

3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.

Me:

That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.

As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”

when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom

ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?

WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!

Happy Caturday!

Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators

it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat

[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls

My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.