Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.

After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.

Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.

I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.

I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….

Hahahaha just kidding

I look great naked

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

I quit my job to become an archeologist.

My career is in ruins.

The urge to throw a coconut at someone.

[reading dinosaur book]

8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl

ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus

8: how did you ever get laid?

Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible

“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣

Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.

*valentine’s night*

Me: I got you a new pair of shoes

Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!

Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you

I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.

Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour

“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”

-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.

I’m Sold!

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.

I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.

Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”

thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…

[homeschooling]

ME: what is 345 minus 127?

DAUGHTER: 218

ME: *filling out tax form* thanks

I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.

ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”

Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.

[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please

me irl

Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling

my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily