If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
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35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
A duv-egg? In this economy?
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.