If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
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me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth