Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!

And that is how marriage works.

Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!

Him : Which one?

Me : I only have one face, Carl.

Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.

“Eat cheese and sin.”

This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!

I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’

Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.

“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.

Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”

Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.

I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.

[bank robbery]

Me: this is a hold up

[later at the police station]

Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?

Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station

trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.

*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*

me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please

Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron

My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc

Me: *checking weather on phone*

3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?

Me:

3:

Me: Yes, we go way back.

{concert}

eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED

If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.

Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?

Waiter: Can I see your ID?

Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.

Waiter: What would you like to drink?

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.

Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.

ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.

Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.

[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]

Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”

I must have the white iPhone.

The lady beside me at the airport just pulled out a whole block of marble cheese and started gnawing on it. Frankly, my emotions are mixed

A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.