If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
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[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.