If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
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Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.