Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying

Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken

So…a deer was nice

No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.

One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”

My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.

My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.

Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.

Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?

There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.

Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide

The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.

When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.

Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.

Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.

Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.

Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with

I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit

Me: pew pew…pew pew pew

Guy at next urinal: Please stop

New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?

Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.

There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field

I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan

When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A

Terribly Tuesday.

SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…

During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?

Couple goals

[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]

I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.

With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.

So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.