If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
You Might Also Like
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Seriously why do people do this to themselves?
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.