Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.

If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.

Text: CMAO

Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”

That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.

Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development

PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD

Signed: nOt The cAt

haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day

I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.

*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair

bus driver: well, i do not

I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.

Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.

soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird

if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers

Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine

FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?

TYLER: Shaving cream.

MARK: Shaving cream.

ME: Pay off his student loans.

[they all look at me]

ME: I mean shave him.

Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.

HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—

ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.

Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.

“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB

FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]

Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.

Lmao

Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.

director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother

disney: sounds great, let’s add murder

If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer

We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.

Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot

Me: ok

My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate

Me: ok

Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something

CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir