Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My goal weight is:

2020 never happened.

I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.

Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.

having a job is cool but everydayyy???

The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.

I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia

@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie

still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time

Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?

[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?

[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*

Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.

Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad

Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight

*as soon as I relax*

-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!

There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.

I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it

Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*

aladdin: i can show you the world

jasmine: no

aladdin: i can show you a cool bug

jasmine: ok

Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*

My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral

I’m 36 going on 37.

Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.

[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.

If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.

*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?

Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.

If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.

lol

I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream