Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.

ANGEL: *sighs* Fine

GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month

Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER

waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?

me: no no I’ll find it thanks

Cop 1: There’s been another murder

Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging

Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus

i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once

I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.

(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)

Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha

Batman: *pulls out batarangs*

Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?

Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham

Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol

Batman: me too!

[both eye last carton]

I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.

Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.

[Hears kids approaching]

Me: Think we can outrun them?

Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.

Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food

Priorities

Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.

Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.

Perfect

The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.

I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.

Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.

Her: OMG I love The Rock.

Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?

Me: Quitters never prosper.

12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?

I’m out of wisdom for today.

me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm

My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats

Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.

The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.

My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways

Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.

Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time

[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?

Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few

Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter

5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”