If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
You Might Also Like
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Split the bill
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
He wanted to make sure😂
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?