If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
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Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
My wife gives the best headache.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Teamwork makes the dream work.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??