@AmericanGent69

If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.

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@WeekendTwitr

my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.

@Gooooats

A surprisingly large amount of responsibility also comes with zero power.

@aimlessamers

English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”

@the_tacko_belle

I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:

dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese

@NoTheOtherJohn

The name “groundhog” suggests the presence of sea and skyhogs and I am not sure how I feel about that.

@TheSolemnTom

English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.

Keith: That’s not true.

English Language: Don’t make it weird.

Keith: But you just..

English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol

@imogenjayy

Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.

@RunOldMan

I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.

@turbolazers

All the leaves are brown and the sky is grey

– The Mamas and the Papas

All the leaves are grey, and the sky is grey

– Dogs

@bromanconsul

people are like “pokemon is basically dogfighting” but tbh if a dog with ice powers fought a ghost dog I would probably peek over that fence