If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
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Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Me buying fruit and veg
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead