If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.

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my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.


A surprisingly large amount of responsibility also comes with zero power.


English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”


I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:

dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese


The name “groundhog” suggests the presence of sea and skyhogs and I am not sure how I feel about that.


English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.

Keith: That’s not true.

English Language: Don’t make it weird.

Keith: But you just..

English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol


Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.


I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.


All the leaves are brown and the sky is grey

– The Mamas and the Papas

All the leaves are grey, and the sky is grey

– Dogs


people are like “pokemon is basically dogfighting” but tbh if a dog with ice powers fought a ghost dog I would probably peek over that fence