If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
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CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
