If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
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[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Be the reason someone burns sage.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.