If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
You Might Also Like
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
You can’t rush stupid.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
certified hallow’s eve classic
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
I gave my kids one last chance to stop playing with their whistle in the house.
But they blew it.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife