If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
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Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
*sewing*
A thread
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
I have taken up painting
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.