Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt

Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze

There are two wolves inside you

webmd: wolf cancer

Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?

If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”

I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.

Who’s your best friend?

“single and ready to mingle”

thank you so much for the warning

The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.

If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.

What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?

I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.

My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.

That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”

I will never stop laughing at this

[at a restaurant]

Her: I’m going with meatloaf

Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together

I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.

If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.

TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?

Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me

Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…

I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…

Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.

Hello, my name is Pierre.

Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.

“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever

It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers

@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you

I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.