Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole

Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!

Me: Then why is there a hell?

Preacher:……

Me: Your move.

i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither

*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*

5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?

Me: Ham? Yes

MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.

[first day as a judge]

ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!

GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe

[before horsepower was invented]

car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons

I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.

It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.

The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?

me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth

“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.

I’m doomed.

Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.

[Calling the police]

“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”

“Stay calm.”

“Yes, that’s him!”

GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that

I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?

I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.

If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.

It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.

I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.

Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.

Good morning!

Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.

by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly

Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*

when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”

I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia

realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some