If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
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ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]
Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.
6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.