Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.

I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.

this is not a scam

DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.

I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.

“Dad?”

“Yes, son?”

“Where do busboys come from?”

“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”

[eye doctor’s office]

receptionist: do you have vision insurance

me: yup *hands over card*

receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate

me: but my eyes are in my body

receptionist:

me: and they’re unhealthy

After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..

What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?

I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.

Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans

Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*

I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.

My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.

Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.

Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.

“I can’t feel my legs”

–mermaids

Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something

your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”

A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.

Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.

1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.

We’ve now reached the match the lid to the storage container portion of this year’s Thanksgiving feast

I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend

From my Mom

I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore

Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.

I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.

me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?

I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.