Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I drew y’all a little something.

5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?

Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.

I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.

Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.

Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.

Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT

I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.

My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.

Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:

“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”

*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*

Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.

My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.

I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.

But it’s not the “worst way” either…

[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.

Please can I keep him – he followed me home!

Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.

Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s

You: I’m so hard on myself.

People on the internet: Hold my beer.

I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”

My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.

Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!

Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*

boss: you’re fired

me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?

When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.

coworker: those are some crazy socks

me: well I guess th-

socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE

Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”

Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell

ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type

dog: i have to pee

me: for real?

dog: yeah i gotta go

me: alright *lets dog out*

dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*

me: *lets dog back in*

[5 minutes later]

dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this

me: you have to pee

dog: i have to pee lol

found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today

If you see a toilet in your dream, do not use it.

AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.