If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
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I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
A leaf blower, but for people.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.