Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.

[high school reunion]

me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes

If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.

[getting cremated]

Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.

I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.

Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.

i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free

My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.

People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.

Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.

Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.

ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.

“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”

BRAIN: Excellent.

As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?

Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.

[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]

Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!

If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”

Dog 911: what’s ur emer-

Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME

Dog 911: so?

Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE

Dog 911: OMG

Dog: OMG

Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?

“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.

My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.

i like to flex on them by shrugging

Operator: what’s your emergency

Me: my fridge fell on me

Operator: is anything broken

Me: some eggs maybe

Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.

I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.

I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.

A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.

FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.

*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*

I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.

One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.

My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.

PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-

ME: [raises hand]

PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand