If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
You Might Also Like
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
got so much cardio in today
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂