How about I get 100% off by already being there
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My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!