if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
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I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.