Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-

Wife: plant’s dead.

Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-

Wife: i’m pregnant.

Me: this is fine.

[At the funfair]

*Fire alarm sounds*

Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.

“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”

I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”

So I went in and applied for the job.

How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?

Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.

I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee

My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.

CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?

Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.

When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.

adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”

[in bed]

HER: I want you to do something naughty

ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*

When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.

Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first

One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.

i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings

I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.

I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money

I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.

Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia

rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days

barista: oh no

I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.

HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.

ME: So I guess this is goodbye.

I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.

Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back

[at airport]

TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.

ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning

A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.

[at the gym]

Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?

Waldo: Please don’t do that.