If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
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My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
For the ones in the back.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever