If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
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Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Tell me you get it…🤣
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Look, a pure bread cat!
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential