Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I

{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?

It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.

Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest

Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.

I’m not sorry.

new wife guy just dropped

I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer

What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?

Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.

HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”

Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.

[sound of can opening]

wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?

me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday

wife: but we’re still at church

if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base

Eve: I think we should see other people.

Adam: There’s other people here?

Eve: No.

A: What the…

E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.

I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.

Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?

me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?

him: AI?

me: AI

him: oh

unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”

We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.

Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry

Many commentators say that vigilante groups are never the answer. But they clearly don’t know the masked Ecuadorian trio named “Acción Ortográfica Quito,” who roam the streets at night with a singular purpose: to correct all the spelling and grammar mistakes they find in graffiti

Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.

I passed with flying carpets.

The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face

The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.

Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face

T-rex: hell yeah

Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.

cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”

normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.

Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.

ME *enters new password*

COMPUTER: Ok

M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?

C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind

What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?